John: Did you hear about the new Mega-ball State Lottery for 10 million dollars??
Jen: Nope, sounds great.
John: Not really, the winning person gets 10 dollars a year for a million years!
Frank: “My wife is tired of Vegas and wants to go to a casino somewhere in Asia”
Frank: “Of course moron, otherwise she’d go to a spa!”
A man walks into a poker room and sits down next to Siamese twins. You winning he asks?
“Everything she’s lost, I’ve won” they replied.
A group of cowboys are at the local saloon playing a game of 5 card stud. Guns in their belts they watch each movement of the player next to them to assure nothing fishy is going on. The final hand is being played and the stakes are high.
Following the deal the a cowboy lays his cards out on the table.
“He’s Cheatin!” yells one cowboy.
How do you know asks the accused cheater.
Cause those aren’t the cards I dealt you!
A man and his friends decided to drive down to Las Vegas for the weekend to celebrate a recent engagement. One man was down on his luck and with his last few dollars bet on roulette. He ended up bringing home well over $50k and afraid his friends would try to mooch off of him, drove home alone and hid the money in the doghouse out back.
The next day the man went outside to walk the dog and saw there was a hole dug in the doghouse and footsteps of dirt which led to a neighbor’s house up the road. This neighbor was deaf so the man ran over to a friend, still hungover from their trip, and explained the situation. The friend spoke sign language so the two went over to the neighbor’s house to demand the money.
The two threw the door open, grabbed the man out of bed. The man told his friend to tell the deaf neighbor that if he didn’t give him his money back, he would shoot him immediately. The friend relayed this message, to which the deaf man stated, “OK OK, the money is in the safe behind the painting in the next room, please take it, I am sorry.”
The translator turns to his friend and says, “he’s not gonna tell us where it is and says he’d rather die.”
A local safari park owned by a rich casino proprietor was celebrating its 25th anniversary. The party was held over the alligator tanks which were surrounded by bridges where people could view the animals. At the party the businessman, who was quite drunk, looked at his 30 year old unwed daughter and decided to make an offer.
“My guests,” he stated, “I am going to make a one time only offer. If any man is able to swim through my alligator tank, I will marry him off to my daughter and provide him with a few million as a reward.”
Just as the man is saying a few million there is a splash, followed by a a poor soul swimming, panting and pushing his way through the mud to get to the podium where the rich casino owner is standing.
“WOW,” exclaims the businessman. “that was not only unexpected, it was unbelievably fast.” As promised the businessman offers his daughter and calls his banker to get a transfer ready.
“I don’t need your money,” says the wet, muddy gentleman, who happens to be a professional blackjack player at the man’s casino. “I just want to find the sonovabitch that pushed me in!”
A local casino reaches out to the community by hosting free game nights at old age homes in the neighborhood. Frankie and his friends Linda, Ruth and Estelle decide to have a go at the roulette table. After some various bets Frankie is down on his luck because he can’t win at anything while the ladies are enjoying their victories.
Fed up with the whole thing Frankie puts all of his chips on 00 and watches as the ball spins and lands on it! He’s jumping up and down in excitement at his luck (mind you it’s free Roulette) and his pants fall down and his business is fully exposed to the group.
Linda and Ruth each have a stroke , Estelle is standing too far away.
Thanks to http://www.casinojoke.com/